Raw.Unfiltered.Unapologetic.
From “Unbreakable” to “Shattered Into Pieces”
Just Drive…
Is what I would tell myself. Over and over again. Just. Drive.
I’ve been on a mission for what feels like my whole life to create… something. To impact somehow. I come up with ways to create and impact, yet I have always struggled with HOW I want to do it.
A lot of the time it’s been in-congruent and heartbreaking.
Chase the next pay cheque.
Cut the next corner.
Burn down all foundations to go all in.
Fail. Fail again. Fail for whatever number of times it has been now.
Run from success when it stares you right in the face after you clawed and battled for it. Look at it and than you turn away only to watch it go into someone else’s hands. Smoothly. Effortlessly.
Why not me?
Because I ran.
I’ve run so many times, my soul has been wanting to jump out of my own skin to knock some sense into me. My soul wants to ask me “why do you do all this work, put in all this effort, sacrifice everything you have only to give your goal a cold shoulder when it comes up to kiss you?”
.
I can’t accept the kiss. I feel dirty, filthy and I want to be alone.
Alone has been easy. Alone has made sense. Alone gives me the story… Alone is the ultimate story once you “make it” – whatever that means.
Alone gives me the freedom to have no responsibility. It gives me the excuse to “learn” and “get it next time”. What if that next time I want to be alone even more? on a larger scale? Forever?
Scary.
What if… alone is my ultimate excuse? The story that’s been keeping me from actualizing myself into depths unknown to me or you? I want to actualize myself. I’m tired of the run.
Ok, fine. I decided to explore not being alone. I rooted into the ground and took off the running shoes. Maybe this is the exact place i’m suppose to be.
I finally opened up to multiple forms of love and connection. None I have ever had before.
At the beginning of this year, I decided to make this MY year. With my typical unearthing confidence combined with knowledge, guidance, leadership and personal emotional/psychological breakthroughs… nothing could stop me.
I walked around with a look on my face that read “I’m taking every second of everyday to do what I want to do and I will happily have you join me”.
Majestic. Exponential. Unwavering. Focused. Loving.
I felt my energy connected to the whole world. Nothing could break me.
.
Yet still.
At one point after gaining my own personal achievements I set out, I had to introspect.
Searching.
Searching again. What could it be now? Forget it, game face back on and “grind time”.
Yet… searching again. More introspection.
All my introspection allowed me to open up fully to what I am as a being.
I dove even deeper into love & connection on more levels I had not experienced before.
I felt warm, I gained more confidence and for the first time in my life, I started saying “I’m happy”.
Looking back, I’ve had moments but I never proclaimed to be happy. Always on the chase, always on the clock, always on the run.
Always.
So when I first said “I’m happy” it was one of the most beautiful moments in my life. Words can’t describe all the feelings that ran through my veins.
The feelings were mystical, out of this world representative. They gave me the feeling I was searching for since 20? 18? 12?
Honestly, I couldn’t tell you… Forever?
.
Interesting… happiness. Was I finally starting to figure it out? Was this the feeling I always chased but could never quite get to?
The smile on my Face. You should have seen the smile on my face. I’ve always smiled as I tell everyone, smiling and being in a good mood is a choice. I much prefer it over being angry.
But when I feel happy, it takes on a whole new meaning.
Which is why when I took happiness away from myself, it crushed me like never before.
.
Just drive.
Driving puts me in a trance state. It makes me present. It’s something I can flow into.
When everything is crashing, it’s an easy escape. However, when angry it becomes more aggressive. I want to go faster. I want to rip through traffic. I want every particle that hits my car to feel my wrath.
I think about how fragile life is. I symbolize metaphorically how if you just turned the steering wheel abruptly to one side while on the highway, that it would change the outcome of your life forever.
Life is always changing. Forever. That is an absolute truth.
Sometimes as drastically as you turning a steering wheel abruptly while going full steam ahead on the highway.
.
When my happiness was “taken” I felt like, not only did I jolt my steering wheel to the left, but that I was constantly doing it… everyday.
There have been many sleepless nights. Many.
There has been tremendous pain, anger, sadness and accompanying feelings.
From once walking around rock solid, to barely getting by during the day.
What a difference. So drastic and so surreal.
Here is the interesting part …
It’s because I didn’t run.
For once i’m staying in the thick of it all. I’m facing problems head on in whatever capacity I can.
How ironic. Not running has ended up being the wildest ride to date. I’ve unraveled what’s truly underneath my physical body.
I’ve opened up the things I was introspecting on. I finally went there.
Maybe this is my ultimate race?
.
If you know me, you know that I’m a very positive guy. Yet, I won’t lie, the hurts I’ve experienced have taken me to dark places, places I have never gone before, places I never thought I would go to.
Mysteries and nightmares unfolded on whole new levels. The exploration of what is and isn’t became real.
Responsibility is at an all time high and at the same time I’m going through the biggest personal challenges I have ever had to face.
This call to progress certain areas of life while experiencing uniterrupting pain and anger in other parts, really pushes the body to new levels of what is possible.
When I “go to another level” it’s not nearly enough. There have been days where 10 new levels weren’t enough.
.
Life can be very easy. If you don’t ever go into depth with the deep issues, don’t ever ask the questions you bury into your head and don’t ever take the risks you dream about …
Well..
You can just numb your mind.
Live day to day. Ignore and talk surface level.
It’s fun to do that. It’s systematic and predictable.
I totally get it.
However, for myself I’ve taken a different path.
In the last while that path has pushed me to a life I don’t understand yet. It has pushed me to levels of emotion I didn’t know where possible.
My body beaten, my mind overwhelmed, my nightmares coming to life, my spirit tested to the limits, my character consistently questioned, my world paradigms shattered.
It’s as if I’ve been in a dog fight with my life… daily.
With all of that present, I’m still alive. I still breath (deeply) and I still explore.
I don’t know what will turn out from all of this, but I do know that I will allow it.
A new path is carving. A new path is being molded.
Does it scare me?
More than anything in the world.
I don’t know what I don’t know, but what I do know is that no matter what I will fight. I will fight for what I believe and I will fight for me.
Perhaps this time around, I will fight fully and keep not running.
That is where my focus is. In the depths of process, no matter how hard, I’m deciding to still show up.
My soul is seeking something. I’m the only one who can find it.
Maybe, just maybe life will reveal what I’ve needed to see the most.
Raw.
Unfiltered.
Unapologetic.
