Pause

My idea of a perfect weekend is to wear something outrageously comfortable, lie on my bed, listen to music and gaze at the pictures on my wall, the blue sky or tree tops through the window or flip through my song diary, and then drift into daydreams. For me, a day of indolence is a day of happiness! This is how I find inspiration, then I write a post, and voila!

Don’t you remember how beautiful it was to be a child and believe in everything? I honestly believed I would one day live in a huge Vila and wear really good looking trench coat, and that I could be everything I want. I also remember vividly how I slowly stopped believing and through tears came to a bitter realisation, which hurt like a bee sting, that the future is actually very limited and that I will probably never be as carefree again as I was that summer when I was ten and my evenings were spent trying playing hide and seek; a quest in which I happily succeeded once. These are my thoughts at the moment, and there is no answer because time cannot be returned, childhood cannot be relived, and also there are many beautiful things about now; the mountains, the sunrise, the river, have not lost their charm for me after all those years.

Now we just have to wish for friends with holidays on their calendar, or a paid holiday trip, or free beer…

or maybe a comfy bed, some great movies, a coffee, a guitar and a book will do!

Learning

 I Am Slowly Growing Into The Best Version Of Myself

I am slowly learning to distribute my love instead of holding back. I am giving out more compliments. I am reaching out to more friends. I am letting I love you and I miss you become a common part of my vocabulary. I am no longer letting my fear of looking overly attached or obsessive stop me from showing kindness, because my loved ones deserve to feel valued.

I am slowly learning to pay closer attention to the little things in life. Instead of counting down the days until my next vacation and neglecting the now, I am searching for tiny things to get excited about so that I am not always looking forward to tomorrow. I am trying my best to enjoy Monday through Thursday instead of eternally waiting to reach Friday. Instead of always wishing for something that hasn’t yet come.

I am slowly learning to be more appreciative of my surroundings. I am slowly learning to stop complaining as a default. I am slowly resisting my urges to whine about how cold I am or how tired I am or how stressed I am when I want to fill a silence. I am training my brain to search for the silver lining instead. To push the negatives to the back of my mind and keep the positives at the forefront.

I am slowly learning how to deal with my emotions in a nontoxic way. Instead of reaching for my phone to send angered rants that I am going to be embarrassed about as soon as I calm down, I force myself to breathe. To relax. To consider what I am going to say before I speak. Instead of reaching for a wineglass when I want to forget about my problems, I force myself to sit with my problems. Think about them. Deal with them while sober.

I am slowly learning to take better care of my mental health instead of letting my sanity rot. I am slowly learning to speak out when I have something to say instead of remaining silent to avoid conflict. I am slowly learning that my feelings deserve to be expressed, that my emotions deserve to be felt. I am slowly learning that my thoughts matter.

I am slowly learning to treat myself the way I treat those surrounding me. I have stopped bombarding myself with insults about my appearance. I have stopped comparing myself to everyone else and feeling like I come up short. I have stopped acting like I am a burden to those who love me. I have stopped punishing myself just for existing.

I am slowly growing into the best version of myself. A version that is happy. That is confident. That loves herself and her universe. I am bound to have missteps along the way to self-fulfillment, but I am determined to treat myself better. I am serious about pursuing personal growth. I am slowly going to become a version of myself that makes me feel like I am worth it.

Hey, Hi again! Happy Diwali

I don't remember your sound. Last time we celebrated diwali was years back I guess.
I do remember how you never liked the foul smell of the crackers,
And the smog in the air mixed with the scents of our cologne,
And the dogs under our car sobbing with fear and excruciating noises.
And not eating sweets of because of your diabetes.
I do remember how much you liked staying inside the home with me,
And holding me in your arms as hard as nails.
Whereas they were out,
Burning the crackers and making us scared more.
I do remember looking at you with little innocence in my eyes, asking stupid questions, "what if this destroys the earth. Where would we both go then? "
And you pinching my small nose with your soft colossal hands,
'This will definitely destroy us, within some years. We wouldn't be able to breathe then. We'd go to Jupiter and settle there."
How stupid I was to believe going to another planet. I cared less about the earth.
I don't remember how much you never liked Diwali because the tiny cats and dogs in our backyard would cry sneakily. And you'd act happy for maintaining the auspicious vibes.
I do remember you closing my ears and putting my head on your shoulders to not let me hear those thunderous noises.
Since you've left me here on earth and went alone to the Jupiter, let me tell you that this land is wrecked as fuck Now. Smog has created a havoc in my lungs.
I sustained this.
But the dog we used to have is dead now. I buried him last night.
And while digging the coffin, all I took out was plastic.
I see many possibilities to come to you both, soon!
After all, I miss u.
P.S- may you and Louis not be celebrating a harmful Diwali there.